


Will You Still Love Me? || Phan

by HelloAnonymousWriter



Series: Phan One Shots [3]
Category: Phandom
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mentioned suicide, mentioned self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 23:24:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8346862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloAnonymousWriter/pseuds/HelloAnonymousWriter
Summary: Dan and Phil have been split up for six years. Dan finds some of Phil's stuff and goes to return it, but things don't go as planned.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Read on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/67606559-phan-one-shots-~-will-you-still-love-me  
> Read on Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/137485062714/will-you-still-love-me-phan

Dan stood outside the front door, arm raised, fist clenched tight, ready to knock on the wood of the door. He hesitated, his arm shaking with the strain of the decision. 

Should he?

It's been so long!

Despite these thoughts he knocks firmly on the door, using the rest of his courage before it fizzled away and he return to being cowardly. His heart thumped ecstatically and his hands were feeling awfully clammy as he waited.

After a moment of nothing he assumed there was no one home and was silently relieved, if not disappointed. He turned on his heel and started to make his way back up the path. He was stopped in his tracks when he heard the click of the door and it creak a little as it opened.

A deadly silence fell, Dan's back facing the person at the door, but Dan knew they knew who he was. After a moment of shocked silence the other spoke up, barely breathing a whisper.

"Dan?"

He took in a deep breath and turned to the person he had been so nervous to see. It had been years since they had last spoken.

"Hello Phil." He replied nervously, a crooked smile fixated on his face. 

"Well ... this is definitely a surprise. Why are you here?" Phil asked, blue eyes wide.

"I-I um ... well you see..." Dan trailed off and took another breath in. "I was actually clearing the old flat and I found some of your things." He coughed. Only then did Phil notice the large cardboard box beside his doorstep.

"Oh." Phil replied, sounding slightly disappointed. Even though they hadn't communicated in years he still thought maybe Dan had just come round for the sake of it. "Thanks." 

"No problem." Dan smiled awkwardly.

"W-would you like to come in?" Phil asked hesitantly, unsure if it was crossing any boundaries. All Dan wanted to do was run away and hide. Run away and cry. Run away.

Just like he did last time. 

But this is Phil. Phil who was always so sweet, who always looked out for Dan and the least he could do is come inside and talk for a bit then split ways once again.

"Um sure, I suppose I'm not busy." Dan smiled and Phil returned the gesture, picking the box up and opening the door wider for Dan to walk through. Dan then proceeded to follow Phil through the unknown house and into a large living room. Phil set the box of things on the table and Dan awkwardly sat down on one of the couches.

"Do you want something to drink?" Phil offered politely.

"No, I'm fine. Might as well see what you left and decide if you want them still." Dan replied, a lump forming in his throat near the end of his sentence.

"Oh ok." With that Phil walked over to the box and opened it up, rather clumsily but it's not like Dan was paying attention to that. He watched Phil's face as he opened the lid of the box and as his eyes widened. For a second he could have swore he saw a tear threatening to leave his eye. 

Phil reached in and pulled a small object out, clutching it tightly in his hand. Phil closed his eyes and let out a shaky sigh, sniffing then looking back down at the possession. It was a tiny stuffed lion with scruffy mane and a big nose. 

"It's Lion." Phil grinned, although his voice broke slightly with emotion. Dan felt his own lump become thicker in his throat as he tried his hardest not to cry. Phil clutched the toy tightly for a second then continued to rummage through the box. There was nothing really as special as Lion in there, only some old drawings, socks, clothes, a Totoro plushie, and some tetris lights.

After Phil had looked through it all he looked just about ready to burst into tears. These were his memories ... the memories from when everything was so perfect. 

But then it all changed.

"Thank you." Phil whispered.

"It's your things Phil. There's no need to thank me." Dan sighed, shuffling uncomfortably in his seat.

"It still means a lot." He said, packing everything back in the box and then placing his neatly beside a different sofa. The only thing not in the box was Lion, who he placed proudly on the shelf.

"I know." Dan whispered, not even sure if Phil heard him. Phil had heard him, loud and clear and was beyond aware of the awkwardness settling in.

"So ... how are you?" Phil asked, trying to lift the tension.

"Alright I suppose. Yourself?" Dan asked, knowing it was far from the truth.

"Coping." Was Phil's answer,

"With what?" Dan asked, then winced realising he was prying in matters that weren't his business anymore.

"Well I have just gotten divorced." Phil retorted. Dan's eyes went wide and he went as white as a sheet.

"Y-you were married?" Dan asked in disbelief.

"Of course I was married, how don't you know that? You were invited to the wedding after all ... never bothered showing up." Phil snapped.

"It must have got misplaced." Was Dan's excuse. Phil scoffed and shook his head, not being able to look in Dan's direction any more. He took a few deep breaths, and calming down so he could avoid an argument with him.

"What about you then?" Phil asked, changing the subject.

"What about me?"

"Anyone in your life?" Phil elaborated.

"There was ..." Phil tenses up for a second but slumps as soon as Dan continues. "She left a while ago."

"Shame." Phil replied and finally turned so he could face Dan. It physically hurt to see him again, after everything they've been through. They both fell in to an uncomfortable silence and Phil sighed, slumping down on the sofa opposite Dan's. 

Dan felt awful, after everything that happened, what used to be. How it changed so drastically. He never expected this outcome. He didn't expect any of this.

"What are you doing as a job?" Dan asked, trying to lift the awkwardness although it was pretty hopeless. 

"I'm still working with the BBC, got the radio show among other things here and there. It's my full time job." Phil replied, looking pretty emotionless. Dan missed the sparkle in his eyes when he used to talk about random things and laugh at all of Dan's dirty jokes. Dan could now see that the sadness had aged him as well as growing older. His eyes had dark rings under them, there was clear laughter lines at the side of his eyes from previous happiness and sad blue eyes.

He looked older and much more mature than before, and ... tragically beautiful.

Even after all the shit they've been through, he ached to be in Phil's embrace once again. To laugh at the past and carry on with the present. To make up for all the wasted years. 

"That's good." Dan attempted a smile but it probably looked forced.

"And you?"

"Oh, in between things at the moment. I've been doing a tiny bit of acting and stuff ..." Dan replied. He actually was very successful and will be starring in a film in the next year but he didn't feel like he needed to boast about it because he didn't like to.

"Oh wow, that sounds interesting." Phil replied, a smile ghosting his lips.

"I'm still on YouTube." Dan whispered. 

It had been pretty awkward throughout the whole conversation but right then the tension hung heavy in the air. It was obvious one of them was going to crack sooner or later ... it was expected form the moment Dan knocked on the door but despite that fact they tried their hardest to stay clear of it. 

To not talk about what happened between them.

"Oh?" Phil asked, his voice cracking. He quickly brought his hand to his mouth and closed his eyes, it was obvious he was trying to hide the sob that was going to escape his lips.

"Phil I-"

"Dan, just stop!" Phil raised his voice. Dan cringed and shrunk back in his seat, he knew they were heading in that direction and even now he could see Phil was desperately trying not to have the conversation they both needed to have.

"I'm sorry Phil-"

"NO, SHUT UP!" Phil shouted, hands leaving his face and clenching at his sides. Dan looked at him in shock and sat frozen in place.

"I-"

"JUT DON'T TALK DAN, YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE!"

"THEN WHY DID YOU INVITE ME IN?" Dan suddenly yelled, finally snapping.

"I WAS BEING POLITE, I TRIED HAVING A NORMAL CONVERSATION BUT YOU JUST SIT THERE, SULK AND YOU BEING HERE IS ONLY ADDING TO MY DEPRESSION AT THIS STATE!" Phil yelled, walking towards the window and glaring through the glass.

"It's not like I wanted to come here and yell at you. I didn't want to come in the first place, I just had your shit in the flat and needed to get rid of it." Dan hissed. Phil flinched and hung his head as he gripped his elbows tightly and his his face from Dan. Immediately Dan regretted his cold words.

"33." Phil suddenly says, making Dan frown.

"What?"

"33 ... that's how old I am. That's six years Dan. Six years to forget each other. Six years to get over what happened. Why did you show up now?" Phil asked through gritted teeth.

Dan was silent, he didn't know how to answer. He felt like he needed to see him for so long, he messed up. He knew that as soon as Phil left those many years ago. He knew he made the wrong choices and now, six years later it's coming back to bite him in the butt. 

Just when he finds someone he likes and wants to possibly spend the rest of his life with, they just have to leave him. She left him and that brought Deja vu with it. He remembered the happy, funny, adorable, amazing room mate he used to have. One he couldn't believe he wanted to forget. 

He still loved Phil.

"I just had to see you again." Was Dan's reply.

"Why? We're supposed to never think about each other again. I left that day because you told me to, don't think you turning up here changes a thing." Phil spat.

"I KNOW IT DOESN'T. I KNOW OKAY? I came because I knew I had to fix things, even if it was just by giving you the things that were yours. Do you know how horrible it was to just see you leave, to watch as the apartment became emptier each day. I regret those words, of course I do. I never wanted you to go, I wanted you back as soon as you left but you never came back. You never gave me a chance to apologize and eventually I accepted that you wanted nothing to do with me so I left you alone." Dan choked.

Phil turned to look at Dan, a miserable expression on both their faces. Phil gulped and wiped away a stray tear.

"I didn't come back because I was afraid. I didn't come back because I was scared that if I did you'd tell me to leave again. I can hardly handle rejection once but twice would have ruined me. We were together so long ... did everything together. You were so angry and I thought after all that you wouldn't want to even consider being friends again. I was angry and stubborn then too y'know." Phil explained.

After a long five minute silence Dan replied.

"I didn't mean it."

"You sounded sure." Phil mumbled, looking at his feet.

"It was the biggest and last fight be had, it was never supposed to happen. I snapped, I was just too furious. I wanted to apologize as soon as you left, I would have gladly accepted friendship after we broke up ..." He trailed off, eyes wide. It was painful to say it out loud and he could see Phil wince and look Dan in the eye. 

Phil didn't know what to say, he didn't have the strength, so Dan decided to continue.

"You know what? I'm so sorry, I'm so extremely sorry. I always told myself to forget you but no matter what I couldn't. I was getting close to it last year when I was with Emily but then she vanished and I felt that feeling of abandonment and felt fucking terrible for trying to forget you. I felt horrible for having ended it that way. I used to watch over the Phil Is Not On Fires and ache for us again. When you left everything changed so drastically. I lost the love of my life and my best friend that day and that made me feel so ... so alone." Dan rambled, standing up and getting closer to Phil.

Phil stared wide eyed but didn't dare speak because Dan looked like he hadn't finished. "I'm so sorry for what I said. I take it all back, every single word. Throughout the whole argument on the inside I was screaming at myself. When I told you I hated you I really meant I love you to the fucking moon and back. When I said get out I meant never leave because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. When I said it was over I meant I will always love you no matter what. I'm sorry ... I'm so so sorry."

He slowly crept towards Phil with every word. Phil didn't know what to do or say so stood in the same place, looking shocked. He was surprised when he felt the butterflies in his stomach like he used to when Dan said flattering things. The feeling was so foreign, and he realised that he had never really had this with his ex and she would have never really been the one because even after six years ... he is so madly in love with Dan even if he hasn't admitted it to himself yet.

"I loved you so much that it broke my heart and when everyone asked what happened I just couldn't answer. They just knew that Dan and Phil was over. Phan had ended, and that nearly tipped me over the edge. I thought about it Phil ... I thought about ... it." Dan said shakily.

Phil's eyes widened in fear at the thought of Dan contemplated anything related to harming himself whether it was suicide or self harm. Phil glanced down at Dan's wrists and cringed when he saw faint scars. He wanted nothing more than to embrace him, tell him everything was okay.

But the thing is, it's not all okay. They both need to gain back a lot of trust before Phil can even consider friendship. It was a lot he left behind and to fall back into it is going to be hard. He knows that someday if he and Dan do become friends again he might become slightly more normal, or at least how he used to be.

But he's getting older, he's not so naive, no so innocent and has experienced a lot. It has shaped and moulded him into the man he is today. 

But ...

Somehow looking in Dan's warm eyes is giving him hope again. Hope that he could be himself however ridiculous it sounds.

"I never did ... obviously. I was close though, I had everything set up but before I could try I got a wake up call. I realised that I needed to shut the fuck up and get over it. I cleaned up, I cleaned my life up. I tried harder and I managed to get into acting. I'm clearing up the flat and moving somewhere else in London. It's not healthy for me to stay there. I was doing fine ... then I saw your things and I thought I'd man up and bring them to you. Show you that I still care for the man I loved, even if it only shows a little." Dan finished.

He was now very close to Phil, he only had to lean forward a little bit and their lips would be touching but he didn't dare. Phil was dizzy with all the information and couldn't help his heart beat a hundred times faster in his chest. His hands were getting clammy and he couldn't tear his gaze from Dan's eyes.

As he went over what Dan had told him he realised a small detail which made his heart sink once again.

"Yeah ... you loved me." He snapped. Despite how much Phil wanted to turn away he stayed rooted to the spot, still staring deeply into Dan's eyes which were now filled with pain.

"Yeah ... I loved you ..." He nodded and Phil felt his heart sink even deeper. "But the past catches up with all of us eventually. Yes, I loved you Phil ... but I also love you. I know it's probably not something you want to hear but I've said too much anyway. I just needed to explain what happened. So once again, I'm sorry Phil Lester. I'm moving on now, I hope you can too. And I'm so ... so sorry." Dan said, a tear escaping his eyes. 

Phil gawped at Dan, not knowing what to say. He stayed rooted to the spot and nearly didn't notice when Dan turned around and started to leave. When Phil noticed he was the only one left in the room common sense kicked in and he heard the front door shut. 

He didn't think twice, he just ran into the hallway, slipped his shoes on and yanked his front door open. He ran outside and cursed when he felt the heavy rain pelt down on him. He squinted and looked through the heavy rain, just able to make out a figure walking down the street, shoulders hunched and black hood over their head.

Phil ran for it, not letting Dan slip from his fingers again. He ran and ran and when he got close called out Dan's name. The hooded figure turned around and Phil could just make out a pair of shocked coffee coloured eyes watching him approach.

Once Phil stopped to catch his breath, Dan just frowned and stared at him. He didn't expect Phil to follow him. He thought that was it, they'd talked about it and it was over and done with. He was supposed to move on, to get on with life and only remember the good times when he had a best friend called Phil Lester.

People make new friends and find new relationships it wasn't all over for Dan yet and he knew he could bring his life back together, if not completely. He could at least try to live the rest of his life. He wants to be able to think at the end of it, "Yes ... that was satisfying. It was worth it."

So when Phil follows him, it isn't expected because he's supposed to move on and the biggest thing regarding his past is right here. He just can't seem to get rid of him.

"You bastard!" Phil suddenly exclaims and Dan was definitely not expecting that. Before he can answer however he is being grabbed by the neck and pulled forward. As his lips meet Phil's everything changes. His cheeks flush and everything touching Phil is on fire, alive. He can't help but find himself eagerly moving with Phil, tangling his fingers in his still black locks, pulling him impossibly close. 

Despite everything he has planned he had no problem in now thinking, "Fuck all that, I just want Phil!" In that moment it felt worth it, having to go through the pain to come back to this position, so completely and still utterly in love. He loved Phil before but right then he was completely in love with Phil. He never wanted to break away.

Unfortunately the icy pellets of rain were slowly bringing him back to reality. Also if he denied his lungs anymore air he'd probably pass out. When they pulled away they were both panting, wrapped tightly in each other. 

"You bastard, you can't just say all that and not expect me to fall for you all over again you fucker. You can't just leave after that speech because I fucking loved you too and still do." He growled. Again he angrily attacked Dan's lips, pressing against him roughly. Dan hungrily kissed him back, trying to make up for all the lost years.

"I love you." Dan said between kisses.

"I love you too." Phil replied, kissing a little less roughly. After a few pecks Phil gently takes Dan's chin and admires the face in front of him, it may have aged but it was still Dan. All his quirks and personality. His cheeks were flushed, lips slightly swollen and red bitten and his eyelashes were sticking together thanks to the rain both boys were skilfully ignoring.

"I forgive you, do you forgive me?" He asked hopefully, gently brushing his thumb over Dan's bottom lip.

"Do you think I'd still be here if I didn't?" Dan grinned. Phil chuckled and with that pulled Dan in for a gently, loving kiss. He showed through passion how much he meant it and Dan believed him.

Because even after everything ... they were so completely and utterly in love.


End file.
